i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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