the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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