why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Let's get the cat blown out
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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