I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
