If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
MIDGETS
????
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
