We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize