i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
