I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
