He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
