I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
