pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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