the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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