i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
