Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
