Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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