Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
