This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize