so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
