she was so not down for the gang bang
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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