Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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