hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize