She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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