Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize