Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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