I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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