I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
