Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
