I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize