I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize
