How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
