so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
