If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
