I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
