What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
