Soap is not a condiment
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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