Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
