i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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