i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
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