I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
