To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
