Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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