I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
