first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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