Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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