I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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