I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
