I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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