I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
