it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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