I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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