the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
