you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize