Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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