If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
