mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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