Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
