I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
