I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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