First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I look better un-naked...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
