Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
