He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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