a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
