never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
