I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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