I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
